i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
