My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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