Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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