Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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