Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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