does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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