It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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