When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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