people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
