Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
