i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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