Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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