I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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