I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
