if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
