I'm drive I can fine osifer
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
