Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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