he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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