Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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