we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
