so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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