when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
