Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize