Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
