I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
