I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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