i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
