dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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