grandma shit on top of the toilet
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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