I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
