it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
