stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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