If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
