He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
And then he peed in my hair
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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