I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
