1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
