Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
