I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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