She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
