we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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