my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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