Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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