it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
