is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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