Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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