remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
