I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
