I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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