I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
