I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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