Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
