Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The air was thick with penises
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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