i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
