I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So much rum. So many feels.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
