If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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