Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
me + whiskey = a bad person
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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