Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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