can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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