:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
