If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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