cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
