Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
