Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
