So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
