Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
