; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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